The Dark Secret Behind Pineapple Pizza

It is one of the most divisive issues of our day. Mention politics or religion, and people may well just change the subject. Slide the triangular wedge of pineapple on pizza into the conversation, and no such tact will be forthcoming. More polarizing than the question of fitted sheets, this is a hill which many will choose to die on.

For a long time I was not one of them. A distaste for pineapple on pizza I considered to be simply part of my personal preference for savoury and sweet to keep themselves to themselves and not go indiscriminately oozing into each other. Others could do as they pleased, and it didn’t bother me.

But that was before I learned the dark secret about sweet and savoury, and the ominous combination thereof – a secret revealed in an episode of Doctor Who (S3E8).

The Family of Blood (bad guys, obvs) arrive in an unsuspecting English village and commandeer the bodies of sundry unfortunate humans (told you). They still look the same. They even sound the same. So how is one to tell? The Doctor’s companion Martha is prepared, and when her fellow servant Jenny seems a bit off, she swings right into action.

Martha asks if Jenny would like some tea, to which the answer comes back, “Yes, thanks.”
So far so British – the first test is passed.
But then Martha lays her trap. “I could put a nice bit of gravy in the pot. And some mutton. Or sardines and jam. How about that?”
And Jenny replies, “I like the sound of that.”

All is revealed! A taste for sweet fruity stuff with savoury foods is a clear indication of having been taken over by an alien life form. A murderous alien life form.

One might argue (particularly if one has already been taken over by an alien life form) that the combination of sweet and savoury is a recognized part of culinary history. The recipes in The English Huswife (1615), for example, frequently combine sugar and fruits with meats such as chicken.

But The English Huswife also holds its dark secrets. It was published under the name of Gervase Markham, yet he never claimed authorship. He said he fortunately just happened upon the manuscript, which had previously been in the possession of “an honorable Personage of this kingdome, who was singular amongst those of her ranke” – a lady who is mysteriously never named.

Whoever this singular lady was – or appeared to be – her recipes reveal her true nature. The ingredients of Herring Pye include not only the titular herrings, but quantities of raisins, pears, currants, dates, and sugar. In other words, Sardine and Jam Pye.

You may think that there is no harm in those who like a little sweetness with their savoury in the form of pineapple on their pizza. They’re lovely people. You’ve known them for years. Or – have you?